FYI assertiveness statements help people communicate clearly and safely.
The first part is the Focus statement. The Focus statement pinpoints the situation or event you want to discuss. Focus statements are specific, and people can usually discuss specific times and events. In contrast, general statements, like “you always do this,” or you never do that,” are rarely effective. Here are some examples of good Focus statements:
“When we were dancing Friday night.”
“When we were at your parent’s house Thursday.”
"When I was in the kitchen and asked for help.”
The second part is the “Y” (you) statement. This part describes what the other person said or did. The “you” part must be objective and descriptive. It does not include any assumptions about why the other person did or said whatever was done or said. That would be making assumptions about the motives and intentions of the other person. Here are some examples of F and Y statements together:
" When we were dancing Friday night and you stepped on my foot.”
" When we were at your parent’s house Thursday and you told your mother I burned the pancakes.”
" When I was in the kitchen and asked for help and you told me you were busy watching the ball game.”
The third part of FYI is the “I” statement. The “I” statement simply begins with the words “I felt…..” Whenever you describe your feelings to someone else, you are making a powerful statement. No one else knows or can dispute your feelings. When you share your feelings, you are creating emotional intimacy. The word intimacy suggests the phrase “into me see.” If you tell someone who cares about you that something causes you some form of distress, that should motivate the other person to reconsider his or her actions. Here are some examples of complete “FYI” statements:
“When we were dancing Friday night and you stepped on my foot, it hurt really bad and I had a bruise the next day.”
“When we were at your parent’s house Thursday and you told you mother I burned the pancakes, I felt really embarrassed. I felt angry and felt humiliated in front of your family.”
“When I was in the kitchen and asked for help and you told me you were busy watching the ball game, I felt overwhelmed. Cooking and feeding the baby were more than I could handle and I felt angry and resentful.”
There are many advantages to communicating with FYI statements. One is that you are focusing on communicating your own feelings. Since you are not criticizing, judging or attacking the other person, that person is more likely to be able to receive the communication without being defensive. The whole process creates what counselors call a state of “cognitive dissonance.” If a person says that he or she loves and cares about you, and you explain how something has caused you to feel hurt, then there are dissonance and inconsistency between the thoughts “I love you” and “I hurt you.” The dissonance will motivate your partner to change behavior so that his or her words and actions will be in agreement. By simply and clearly providing information about how your partner made you feel, you can trust that the information will cause change in your partner, motivated by his or her love and compassion for you.
After you have said how your partner’s action made you feel, you can be assertive and say what you would like in the future. You can also say how it will make you feel if your partner either does or does not do what you are asking. Remember to only communicate feelings. Don’t threaten punitive actions, since that could create a power struggle which would interfere with the positive growth you are trying to create. You shouldn’t threaten to do things just to punish your partner, but you do have a right to protect yourself from being hurt over and over again.
Here are some examples of complete “FYI” statements with assertive statements:
“When we were dancing Friday night and you stepped on my foot, it hurt really bad and I had a bruise the next day. I want you to be extra careful when we are dancing . I will feel loved if you do that. I may be afraid to go dancing if you keep stepping on my feet!”
“When we were at your parent’s house Thursday and you told your mother I burned the pancakes, I felt really embarrassed. I felt angry and felt humiliated in front of your family. I want you to tell your family about the things you appreciate and not about my failures. If you keep embarrassing me I will be afraid to go over there with you.”
“When I was in the kitchen and asked for help and you told me you were busy watching the ball game, I felt overwhelmed. Cooking and feeding the baby were more than I could handle and I felt angry and resentful. I want you help me when I tell you I need help, even if you have to miss some of the game. If you would rather not risk missing any of the game, I would like to order pizza so I don’t have to try and handle everything by myself. Taking care of the baby by myself won't be so overwhelming if I don't have worry about cooking.”
