Many people seek individual counseling to help them manage anger. Couples also often need to work on skills to prevent conflict escalation. Some people ared required to complete a series of anger management sessions to get a certificate for court. Eight sessions are the minimum requirement to earn an Anger Management Certificate for court. I am posting this article I wrote about angger management to help you get started.

To schedule either an individual or a couples' session call (361) 563-8720. 

Lesson 1 - Being in Control of Yourself

by Richard L. Ward, LPC, LMFT (Licensed Professional Counselor, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist)

           The first mistake that people make is thinking that other people are controlling them.  Correcting this thinking error is the first key to anger management. People get angry because they don’t like to be controlled.  They didn’t like being controlled when they were children and they don’t like it as adults.  Doctor Ed M. Smith, the founder of Transformation Prayer Ministry, has used the term “metamorphic lie” to describe a belief which was true at one time (in childhood), but is no longer true in our adult lives. The belief that anyone is controlling you in your adult life is a metamorphic lie.  Now, it is true that someone might be trying to control you.   They might try to manipulate you, but they can't actually make you do anything.  Whether or not someone is trying to control you is irrelevant.  The truth is that unless you are a child or you are under arrest or imprisoned, no one is controlling you!

           You are free to choose to do whatever you like!  All of our decisions do have consequences, so we should consider them carefully and prayerfully.  The big point is that you always have choices and it is a thinking error to believe that anyone is controlling you.  When you change your perceptions and beliefs and realize you are always free to say “yes” or “no,”  you will free yourself from a lot of anger and resentment.  The second most powerful force in the universe is your free will.  God is the most powerful force, and He has given you free will.  As an adult, you are free to  make your own choices.

            The belief that people are only the product of their environment and their reactions are controlled by their circumstances is called determinism. Some people hold that belief, although they might not know what it is called. It is a subject which has been discussed by many philosophers.  In the book General Philosophy, D. E. Trueblood explores the concept in his chapter on "Determinism and Freedom."   He notes that "the consciousness of guilt provides the best indication that freedom is real" (pg 188).  There would be no reason for guilt or remorse if we could not learn from our mistakes and change our actions.

            Trueblood explains the fallacy of determinism very clearly.  He writes: "the human mind...operates to a large extent by reference to final causes. This is so obvious that it might seem impossible to neglect it, yet it is neglected by everyone who denies freedom in employing the billiard ball analogy of causation, but man operates a totally different way.  Man is a creature whose present is constantly being dominated by reference to the nonexistent, but nevertheless potent future.  What is not influences what is.  I (may) have a hard problem, but the outcome is not merely the result of a mechanical combination of forces, which is true of a physical body; instead, I think and most of my thought is concerned with might be produced, provided certain steps could be taken." (p 191-192)

           He goes on to say that  "The conduct of human affairs is entirely dominated by our recognition of foresight determining purpose, and purpose issuing in conduct....The new kind of causation is really self-causation and is therefore always misunderstood when interpreted by mechanical analogies.  Self-causation is one way, and perhaps the profoundest way, of expressing the Hebrew conception that man is made in God's image. ...Man, we conclude, is engaged in decision, not intermittently but constantly.  We are constantly deciding what we are going to do and to be....Thinking, as we actually experience it daily, is not merely awareness of action, ... but it is a true and creative cause.  Something happens, when a man thinks, which would not have occurred otherwise." (p192-193)

            You are not a billiard ball!  A billiard ball has no choice when it is hit by the cue ball! A billiard ball has to react and roll in a direction away from the ball that hit it.  The speed and direction of the reaction is completely determined by the other ball.  Most people react the same way.  They react without thinking.  They react unconsciously, according to patterns that have been followed since childhood. If you aren't a billiard ball, then stop acting like one!  Billiard balls only react, they never stop to think and pray and consciously decide what to do.  Billiard balls are unconscious. You must stop reacting unconsciously, and become conscious!

            Your first homework assignment is to start interrupting the pattern of reacting to people and events without taking time for conscious thinking.  Conscious thought is what makes us different from billiard balls!   There are many ways to interrupt the stimulus-response cycle.  The stimulus is whatever might have triggered you to have an unconscious reaction.  It might be spilling a glass of milk, or being criticized for something, or having someone fail to yield to you in traffic.  You have to detach from the situation long enough to think about your choices and your goals and purposes. Then you have to act toward your goals and purposes instead of allowing yourself to become a reaction.

            The first reaction many people have to provocation is cussing and name calling. Taking control of the words that come out of your mouth is the first step to controlling your subsequent actions.  Jesus said:  "What goes into a man's mouth does not make him 'unclean,' but what comes out of his mouth, that is what makes him unclean." (Matt 15:11, NIV) Controlling what comes out of your mouth will help you interrupt your automatic response patterns (ARPs). 

            Our words have the power to wound and cripple people as much as our physical assaults.  Clients in my counseling practice have often told me that they were hurt more by words than by being hit.  Jesus warned against calling people hurtful names.  He said:  "But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment.  Again, anyone who says to his brother 'Raca,' is answerable to the Sanhedrin.  But anyone who says, 'You fool!' will be in danger of the fire of hell." (Matt 5:22, NIV)  Being hit can physically injure you or your loved one, but verbal attacks can murder the soul. Jesus also said: "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul.  Rather, be afraid of the one who can destroy both soul and body in hell."  (Matt 10:28, NIV)

            There is a tremendous difference between acting and reacting.  When you are reacting, you are allowing yourself to act like a billiard ball.  When you act with purpose and forethought, you are choosing to move yourself, instead of allowing someone else to move you.  You must start interrupting your automatic reaction patterns (ARPs) with conscious thought.  In any situation which triggers your anger, your first action should be to pray about it..  Say  "God,  give me patience and wisdom to know how and when to deal with this."   If a person has upset you and you believe that person is wrong, say "God, help this person to understand what is wrong and to correct what he is doing." 

          In the sermon Jesus gave on the mountainside, He said:  "You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'  But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,"  (Matt 5: 43-44, NIV)  When you take time to pray, you are interrupting your automatic reaction patterns.  When you pray for the person who has impacted you, you are shifting your consciousness from yourself to an awareness of the needs and circumstances of the other person.  Remember that you don't have any needs that the Father cannot provide.  No one can interfere with the Father's plans and provisions for you. Always take time to pray about everything before you act.

          Jesus had a lot to say about anger.  One of the hardest teachings was in Matt 5:38-39. "You have heard that it was said, 'Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person.  If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also." (NIV)  When Jesus and the disciples weren't welcomed in a village, the disciples were angry and asked if they should call fire down from heaven to destroy them, Jesus rebuked them. (Luke 9:53-55)  In the sermon on the mountainside, He said: "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth. (Matt 5:5)  Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. (Matt 5:7) Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God." (Matt 5:9)  He taught that our lives are worth more than material things.  In Matt 6:25, He asks: "Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes?"  It is wrong to spend life pursuing or defending material things. Jesus said "And if someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well." Matt 5:40 (NIV)

                   The first response to any situation should be to step back and pray.  After you have prayed about a situation, then ask yourself, "how intense is my anger?"  Rate your anger on a scale from 0 - 100.  By doing this simple assessment of your own anger, you have stepped away from it enough to begin to break its power to control you. If your rating is very high, that is an indication that you may need to wait until you are calmer before you say or do anything.

                 After you have prayed about what has upset you, and rated the intensity of your anger, decide how long you should wait before you decide what to do.  The higher the rating you have given your anger the longer you should wait before you decide and act. If your anger rating is over 50, you will definitely need some time before you decide to do or not to do anything. You should be calm when you act. The angrier you are, the longer it will take for you to calm yourself down. 

           Here is a Bible verse which suggests that Jesus may have delayed his response when He was angry.   He went to the temple and saw everything, but didn't do anything about it until the next day.  "Jesus entered Jerusalem and went to the temple. He looked around at everything, but since it was already late, he went out to Bethany with the Twelve.  The next day as they were leaving Bethany, Jesus was hungry.  Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs.  Then he said to the tree, "May no one ever eat fruit from you again." And his disciples heard him say it.  On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple area and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers and the benches of those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to carry merchandise through the temple courts.  And as he taught them, he said, "Is it not written: 'My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations'? But you have made it a den of robbers."  (Mark 11:11-17, NIV)

            When you have patience and give yourself time to pray and think you will be able to calm yourself down before you act.  Jesus said "When you stand firm, you will gain life." (Luke 21:19)  Think about what you could do to calm yourself down when you are angry.  Would it help you to take a few deep breaths? Can you think of a place where you have been calm and relaxed in the past?  Could you close you eyes and allow yourself to go there for a few moments?  Would it help you to go to the beach or to go for a walk?  Physical exercise like jogging or a work out at the gym can help you burn off the adrenaline that your body releases when you are angry.  Get yourself calmed down to where your anger rating has gone down to below fifty before you decide what, if anything, you should do about what made you angry.

         The Deep Muscle Relaxation CD, which is offered under the "Products and Services" tab, can be used to help you train yourself to maintain a relaxed mind and body when things are stressful.  It should be used twice a day for the first month and then once a day for the next 2 months. The more you practice relaxation, the better you will be able to stay calm in trying circumstances.

           Practice these anger management steps for one week, and notice how much more you feel in control of yourself .  Follow these 5 steps when you notice that you are angry:  (1) Pray for God to give you patience and wisdom, (2) pray for the person who offended you, (3)  Rate the intensity of the feeling from 0-100, (4)  Do things that will help you reduce the intensity of your anger, and (5)  After you have gained control over your anger, then you can begin to assess your goals and purposes and make decisions about how your actions will help you to achieve your goals.

I pray that  this anger management lesson : "Take Control of Yourself"  will help you as you continue to be transformed into the Christ-like person you were created to be.